"My Girl"

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Okay, I've debated writing this post for a while now.  I actually started writing it two months ago but just never finished it and was never sure if I'd post it.  I don't want to shout my problems to the world, nor am I looking for pity here.  But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that while this blog is the documentation of our lives--it needs to include the bad with the good.  I would love go back and read my mom's journal about how she felt while pregnant with me--or any of my other brothers and sisters.  The bad with the good.  Or even read about other times that she struggled so that I could gain strength from it.  I think that (especially here in America) we often try to hide our struggles (ESPECIALLY here in the bloggersphere) and I find it truly comforting and refreshing to read a not-so-happy post from someone.  It's real.  It's genuine.  And I don't want my kids to read my blog book 30 years from now and think my life was perfect.  I want my daughters to be able to find comfort in my struggles and the fact that I pushed through, just like they will.  So here it is:

When Melia was born, I struggled with postpartum depression.  To me, it was severe, although I know that there are far worse cases out there.  I never felt the desire to murder my child, or my spouse, and although I did feel the desire to die, I never truly considered suicide because I felt I couldn't abandon this child--even though I was so unhappy.  I definitely wanted to "give her back" whether to God or to the hospital--or maybe even have my mom raise her because I just felt so inadequate.  But there was never a time that I didn't feel love for her.  It was just so hard.  I felt that the world was a horrible place, my life was a horrible thing, and that things would never, never get any better.  I felt trapped.  It was the darkest time of my life.  Postpartum depression is REAL.  I don't care what Tom Cruise says.  :)  It is a feeling unlike any other I'd felt and it completely took over me.  If it weren't for my sister Kristy, my mom, my mother-in-law, and a few friends like Catherine who had been there before, I honestly don't know how I would've coped.  They say postpartum comes on stronger and faster if your labor was bad.  Well my labor was BAD (read more here), and the postpartum came on FAST.  But luckily because of that, it left rather quickly too and after about 6 weeks I was feeling a little hope and by 3 months I was getting relatively comfortable with being a mom.  By 6 months I was happier than I had ever been.  This little girl is such a joy in my life, I cannot even being to imagine my life without her.  I hardly remember who I was without her.  She defines me.  

This pregnancy has been incredibly hard.  It's been much more of a struggle than my pregnancy with Melia and much of the time I have felt in a very dark place.  Other than those few weeks after Melia was born, I have never felt so depressed.  For 3 months (I believe it was from mid February to mid May) I had pneumonia.  It kept seeming like it was leaving but then it'd come back full force.  It still wasn't completely gone after three full rounds of antibiotics.  I am sure that didn't help make this pregnancy any easier.  It was so difficult because I honestly couldn't shower or even walk up the stairs without feeling completely exhausted and done for the day.  With a 1 year old that made things a little difficult.  On top of that, Melia was struggling because we couldn't do much.  I could hardly go outside without feeling terrible and ready for a nap.  I live on a pretty steep hill and no matter where we go, I'd have to go up a hill one way or the other (either leaving or coming back).  Getting out was truly impossible for me in my condition with the pneumonia on top of the pregnancy.  On top of that I was throwing up constantly through the first trimester and quite constantly through the second trimester.  Believe it or not, I am still throwing up relatively frequently--and I am 34 weeks along--more than halfway through my third trimester!  If I did anything more than sit on the couch and get up to change a diaper and heat up some food for Melia, I would throw up.  I could never shower, or cry, or walk more than a few feet without throwing up.  All of this made things really difficult.  I still cannot cry without throwing up--which is really lame because obviously things aren't happy if I am crying and unfortunately throwing up does not help that!  :)


On top of all the craziness in this pregnancy, I am terrified to have this baby.  I am excited for him to be a part of our lives, but I am so scared to ever feel again the way I felt after I had Melia.  Who knows?  Perhaps it won't happen and I'll be happy and the darkness won't set it.  But it still scares me to death.  Also, I love Melia more than I can even describe.  I am sure I will have love for this baby boy just like her.  But I don't want this child to take anything away from Melia.  I know that having a sibling is what is best for Melia, but it still scares me to think of not giving Melia my everything and having to split my time between them.  When I think a lot about it, I get insanely emotional.  I cannot even describe how much love I feel for Melia.  I know that a lot of parents fear that before their second child is born and I am sure it'll all work out and my love will not split but instead double to have room in my heart for baby Evera.  I just worry about not being able to give my all to Melia anymore.


At any rate, I am much happier these days than I was over the last few months.  The last month or so has been really good and the pregnancy has been going much better too.  There've been a few crazy-odd episodes (I've been having weird heart-attack symptoms which I highly doubt ARE heart attacks, but definitely strongly resemble one; I've had insane heartburn; and I keep waking up in the middle of the night choking on aspirated reflux which really freaks me out but usually I can cough for a minute and then breathe again) but for the most part things have been much, much better.  I am feeling relatively comfortable with this pregnancy despite my growing belly and the fact that this kid is incredibly active and insanely high (he enjoys kicking the underwire of my bra--that is how high he is riding in me).  


I am so blessed to have amazing friends to get me through the tough times I've had.  There are A LOT of friends I could name here, but I do have to give a little shout-out to Megan, Sally, Dawnita and Heidi.  Without the three of them I don't know that I could've even maintained the ounce of sanity I did.  :)  It was really hard for me being "that girl" who needed all the help.  It's hard for me to ask my friends for help but my friends have seriously been so sweet.  During this time period I met the sweetest girl, Allyson, in our ward.  I was assigned to visit teach her but somehow it worked out that she's been the one constantly serving me.  I think I've been pregnant pretty much the whole time she's known me and I just hope that one day soon she'll see that I am not always the "needy one" and I can return the favor and serve her in return.  :)


The big thing that's gotten me through all of this (and I am sure you can guess from the title and theme song of this post)--is "My Girl."  I love this little girl to pieces.  Waking up each morning to her little voice calling for "Mommy" is one of the highlights of my day.  Although sometimes I feel like it's too early, I have to smile when I hear her calling my name.  The unconditional love I feel coming from this little girl is so incredible.  No matter how ornery, and sick I am, she still adores me.  No matter how long it's been since I've showered, she still wants me to hug her and cuddle her and snuggle her.  She will come up to me and say, "Snuggo me!" or "Hold you."  And it just melts my heart.  Although sometimes my pregnant belly can hardly handle her monkiness climbing all over me, I love every second of it.  I adore this child. (Keep in mind I am sick and quite pregnant in these pictures.  I know I look nasty, but I had to post these pics anyway.)

 Here's a scrapbook page I made of Me and Melia.  You'll have to click to enlarge it cause her little facial expressions are irresistible.  In the second one down she's saying "hi" to baby Evera and then in the third one down she's giving him a kiss.  She is so sweet--I know she'll be an amazing big sister.  Oh my gosh I LOVE THAT GIRL.

Another thing I love is the time I get to spend with Spencer.  He is such a fun kid and he LOVES playing family games.  One of our favorites is Qwirkle.  Here's a picture after one of our games.  After playing Spencer wanted me to take a picture of it because he thought it looked like a dog.  (Head on the top left, feet at the bottom and tail on the right.)

Spencer is such a great kid.  Unfortunately I've been extra ornery lately and I know I get super snippy with him.  I love that boy and I hope he can forgive me for my crazy pregnancy-related mood swings (and the post-pregnancy ones that I am sure will come).

Also, of course, what got me through was my absolutely incredible husband.  Our marriage has had it's ups and downs with all the other ups and downs going on lately, but I always knew I could count on Mike to be there for me when I needed him.  Whether it was trying to care for Melia while I rested, or trying to get some of the house work done for me while I was so down and out.  Mike has been amazing.  I do have to share some funny pictures though.  Let's just say, Mike is amazing and SOOO sweet and helpful, but it's good he is not the homemaker in the relationship.  :)  If he were, Melia would always look like THIS: 

(hair in her eyes--ripped jeans--no shirt, just an undershirt)

But hey, at least she's happy.  I'm betting if I really weren't ever around, he'd cut Melia's hair super short with bangs so he wouldn't have to worry about it.  She cries when her hair is in her eyes because it drives her crazy.

And our laundry would all be pink...

(Luckily this batch of laundry was MOSTLY rags--Mike washed it with the red car rags that dyed everything pink--but there were unfortunately a couple of shirts and a few of our good towels that are ruined.)

Okay, now I know those are some silly pictures, but Mike really is amazing and such a wonderful husband and father.  For Mother's Day we'd planned to go to Mike's parents house for dinner (because it was our week to go there) but we found out late Saturday night that they were actually going to be out of town.  Instead of letting me heat up whatever leftovers we could find in the refrigerator for Sunday dinner / Mother's Day, Mike went to the store at 11PM on Saturday night.  I didn't know what he bought but I woke up the next morning to the smell of onions and roast.  Mike made a beautiful and delicious roast in the crock pot complete with onions, potatoes, carrots, and gravy.

It was absolutely delicious.  And on top of that he made these rolls from scratch!  (I am completely serious--I mean making rolls with flour and yeast, etc. and waiting for them to rise and rolling out the dough and making them into crescents and letting them rise again, and then baking them.)  How AMAZING is he?!  I SERIOUSLY have an INCREDIBLE husband!  

Then for my birthday he had his mom make me a yummy yellow cake but he insisted on making the frosting and decorating the cake.  He did an awesome job too--I was totally impressed.

Things might get me down sometimes, but I must admit, I have a pretty great life and so many things to be grateful for.

Speaking of something to be grateful for, I FINISHED MY BIOLOGY TODAY!  I took the final earlier today.  I got 82% on the multiple choice which isn't excellent, but this test was SOOO hard that I am proud that I did that well.  I have yet to get back the short answer portion of this test and the previous test, but I felt confident in both of them so hopefully I did well.  At any rate, I am now back to blogging and I have a lot of updates to come, so be prepared for lots of post in the near future!  :)  I'm glad to be back.